Iraqi man torn between joining ISIS and becoming a stand-up comedian

 

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Baghdad – Recent university graduate Mustafa Mosa says he’s torn between becoming a mass murderer with ISIS and pursuing a career in stand-up comedy.

“I feel like I’m at a major crossroads in life,” said Mosa. “Part of me really wants to get out there on the battlefield and start killing people and another part of me just wants to kill at comedy clubs.”

Mosa says both options pose considerable hurdles that would be difficult to overcome.

“The main problem with ISIS is that the infidel dogs have got them on the run, so if I don’t join up now I might miss my chance to kill some of them. On the other hand, the stand-up comedy scene here is non-existent.”

With unemployment sky high in Iraq, Mosa admits that job prospects are also extremely limited.

“ISIS is financially appealing as well because they’re one of the few organisations that are still recruiting.”

Although Mosa is as passionate about the idea of murdering a crowd with a machete as he is with a microphone, he knows it might be tricky to do the latter among fanatics who often think having a sense of humor is punishable by death.

“I’d still like to keep my comedy chops up if I join ISIS, though I’ll probably have to stick to jokes about killing Americans,” said the 22-year-old realist. “Ideally I’d like the best of both worlds, a few years of unrestrained murder and mayhem to sate my rapacious blood-lust while saving enough money to move to the West so I can hit the open mic scene.”

Mosa claims that if he does choose stand-up, hecklers could expect no mercy, though it was still too early to say if bombing onstage would involve grenades.

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Slim man who bought healthy food in the vicinity of obese women arrested for fat shaming

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Toronto, Canada – 26-year-old fitness instructor Mark Olson has been arrested for filling his supermarket basket with healthy food in what a group of morbidly obese women are saying is a blatant act of fat shaming. The herd of lumbering pork monsters took umbrage with Olson when they were waiting behind him at the checkout.

“I was standing right behind him and I could see that his basket was filled with nothing but fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats and raw nuts,” said 375 pound Monica Bancroft. “I mean, come off it. Who lives on that shit? Clearly this prick only did it to humiliate us because our own baskets were overflowing with normal food like pop tarts and hot pockets.”

One of the women called store security and demanded that Olson be detained until police arrived. Olson’s claim that he was simply doing his weekly shopping and had been oblivious to the surrounding women only enraged them further.

“Not only was this asshole engaged in a malicious act of silent fat shaming, but he thinks he has the right not to give us any attention just because he’s tall, dark, handsome, and in great shape,” said 406 pound Rosa Lucillo. “It’s yet another example of how misogyny and male entitlement are completely out of control in this country.”

Olson was charged with hurting the women’s feelings under a sub-section of Canada’s notorious Human Rights Act, which has recently been in the spotlight for Bill C-16. If found guilty, he faces huge fines and a lengthy sentence inside one of Ontario’s new ‘re-education’ camps.

Elizabeth Webster to replace Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen in final season of Game of Thrones

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In what’s being hailed as a stunning victory for the fat acceptance movement, plus size actress Elizabeth Webster who played Roose Bolton’s wife, Lady Walda in Game of Thrones, is set to replace Emilia Clarke as Queen Daenerys Targaryen in the final season of HBO’s most popular series.

“For decades now, Hollywood and the film and television industries in general have been operating under the assumption that audiences have a preference for young, slim, feminine women with delicate facial bone structures in starring roles,” said an insider. “But this is completely untrue. Any attraction men have to these women is just a gendered construct, not something natural. The decision to replace Emilia with Elizabeth is obviously a sign that the truth cannot be suppressed any longer.”

An HBO executive who did not wished to be named glumly conceded that it was a major error to have cast Emilia Clarke as Daenerys in the first place.

“It should have been Elizabeth in that role from the start,” said the suit who was clearly dejected and contrite. “She’d have been much more realistic as a beautiful princess than Emilia. I mean if you’re going to inspire thousands of men to follow you, fight for you, worship you with utter devotion and die for you on the merest whim, you need to have a big personality, big thighs, big everything. You can’t be the sort of doe-eyed elfin waif that fits into a size 4 dress. No wonder no one took her seriously until her dragons started getting big enough to eat them.”

Lady Walda was killed off in season 6, but this isn’t the first time HBO have reused the same actor for a different role on Game of Thrones. Dean-Charles Chapman played Martyn Lannister, who was killed in season 3, yet returned in season 4 as new king Tommen Baratheon.

Webster is said to be on a steady diet of fried chicken and ice cream in preparation for her upcoming role, and HBO is predicting a correspondingly huge increase in ratings.

“Now that everyone knows that big is beautiful, we want the new Daenerys to be even heftier than Lady Walda,” said another insider. “The more she bulks up the more inspirational she’ll be to our female viewers and the more men she’ll have drooling over her.”

Women were outraged however, at the suggestion that Kit Harington who plays brooding alpha warrior king Jon Snow, be replaced by John Bradley West, who plays his cowardly sidekick Samwell Tarly.

“Eeeww, gross!” was the collective cry of women everywhere. “He can’t play the Dragon Queen’s love interest; he’s too fat and ugly!”

Homeless white man freezes to death while being told to check his privilege

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NYC – A homeless man froze to death on the Upper West Side last night during an impromptu lecture about his white privilege by a passing group of Ivy League college students. The trust fund roommates wrapped in mink coats were walking back to their Park Avenue apartment after dinner at a French restaurant when they spotted the scruffy wretch in an alley cavorting around a flaming oil drum and guzzling from a bottle of methylated spirits.

“Drinking in public with impunity is exactly the sort of thing white males take for granted,” said Emily Rothschild, a third year business student at Columbia. “There’s no way I could drink anything alcoholic in the street without getting arrested, even if it were outside one of the police stations my father owns.”

The Ivy Leaguers who were all women and people of color said that as a blizzard swept in across the city, the privileged white man tried to ignore them by mumbling incoherently and pulling a woolen hat over his ears.

“He was obviously trying to avoid checking his privilege,” said Eric Myers, a mixed race non-binary law student. “But as the blizzard intensified and he saw we weren’t backing down, he fell over in the snow and tried to crawl away from us like a coward.”

The group claims that when the man saw they were following him he began clutching his throat and stuttering in a pathetic attempt not to acknowledge how privileged he was.

“His lips were turning blue and he was making these clichéd ‘effeminate’ noises,” said LeShonda Watts. “I was wearing blue lipstick at the time so the whole thing was clearly just a blatant mockery of people with speech impediments and me as a transgendered pansexual.”

Loren DuPont was blunter in her assessment.

“It was so disgusting to watch this homophobic cis gendered asshole mocking trans people and the differently abled,” she said. “I’m glad he’s dead, he deserved it after what he did.”

The group dismissed the notion that when they came across the man he may not have been frolicking in the snow as initially thought but hopping around in a desperate attempt to get warm. They also dismissed the idea that he may have been unable to talk properly due to his frostbitten lips having become stuck together in the sub-zero temperatures.

“No one’s buying these kinds of excuses anymore,” sneered Xing Lee, a predoctoral fellow at The College of Dental Medicine. “The truth is that he killed himself to avoid checking his privilege, which considering how many people there are with real problems, such as gay teens being cyber bullied, just shows that the arrogance and insensitivity of the white hetero male knows no bounds. Their privilege has been allowed to go unchecked forever and it’s high time they were held accountable for it.”

The group unanimously agreed that the government needed to step in and stop homeless white men from freezing to death until they’d checked their privilege in a sufficiently groveling manner.

Game show contestant told he’s not allowed to ignore the studio audience’s mindless shouting

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Hollywood, CA – In an unprecedented move, taping of The Price is Right has been put on hold after 34-year-old contestant Jonathan Elders failed to engage the room full of mouth-breathing spazwits who’ve been bussed in from the burbs to constantly shout useless advice.

Unlike every other contestant who’s ever appeared on the show, Elders did not turn to the screaming audience for help with a gormless expression on his face every time he had to decide which box to pick. Instead, he stood with his back to them and silently studied the display panel in a thoughtful manner. Long-time host Drew Carey stopped the show halfway through and took Elders aside to tell him he would not proceed to the next round if he continued to ignore the braying herd.

“Jonathan’s lack of engagement with the audience is ruining the atmosphere of phony excitement,” said Carey. “It’s totally unacceptable. Nobody wants to watch some guy just standing there quietly and thinking things through. The show needs a sense of high drama about it to keep the morons at home from changing channels, and this is only achieved by everyone engaging in a lot of yelling and screaming where nothing is comprehensible and in the end the contestant picks a random box out of desperation.”

Executive producer Sue Winthrop elaborated on Carey’s point.

“We screen all potential contestants to make sure they’re energetic dimwits and obviously Jonathan passed otherwise he wouldn’t have been selected, but it’s now clear he was only feigning enthusiastic stupidity. It’s vital that both the studio audience and the viewers at home feel as though they’re part of an exciting event, not just a thinly disguised hour of product placement. Companies are paying us a bung-load of money for prime time exposure so it’s our job to create a buzz around their latest consumer items. We want our viewers drooling over new cars and white goods so they go out and buy thousands of them. Jonathan’s calm, rational behavior is interfering with the mood of impulsive purchasing, and we can’t have that.”

At this stage it’s unclear whether Elders can bring himself to face the mob of gibbering blockheads or if he’ll get out while his sanity is still intact.

 

 

Last man who still finds The Lumberjack Song funny found living in his mother’s basement

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Croydon, England – An unemployed British man is believed to be the last person left alive to publicly admit that he still finds The Lumberjack Song funny. It was assumed that no one had found the 1969 song even remotely amusing for at least three decades until evidence to the contrary came to light via a YouTube comment.

The outrage began moments after Dan Ackerman posted, ‘Still makes me laugh after all these years!’ beneath a clip of the song as it was performed in 1982 as part of Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.

His comment was met with disbelief and swift rebuke from hordes of rabid commenters eager to show the deluded man the error of his ways. When he responded by asking why they were watching something they didn’t find funny he was told they were ‘hate watching.’

Ackerman seemed baffled by the concept, which only provoked more hatred until the incident spiralled out of control on a tsunami of rage and accusations of homophobia. Once it went viral he was contacted by the media and offered a chance to explain himself on a morning news programme. The ageing Python fan appeared bewildered by the vitriolic attacks as he sat in the studio and tried to justify his position.

“People these days wouldn’t know comedy if it hit them in the face with a cream pie,” he said without a trace of irony. “Not only is The Lumberjack Song poking fun at a working class man who likes to dress in women’s clothes, but it’s sung by a group of upper middle class men who made a career out of dressing in women’s clothes. How is that not funny?”

Ackerman denied all charges of being a clueless transphobic relic and insisted he had a brilliant sense of humour, which he demonstrated by ‘cracking’ jokes about how he hadn’t worked in years since he was ‘laid off’ from his job at a chicken factory. The man who’s been living in his mother’s basement since 1976 said he didn’t get out much anymore but also said it didn’t bother him.

“Mum still brings my meals down to me and Dad had a second lavatory installed there a few years ago before he died, so ever since I stopped showering I don’t even have to go upstairs anymore.”

When asked if he could imagine a time when he no longer found The Lumberjack Song funny, Ackerman thought it highly unlikely.

“Sometimes when I go to the lavatory I start singing the line from the song ‘I go to the lavatory’ and it makes it even more hilarious,” he said.

Ackerman went on to say that he had everything he needed in the basement except a girlfriend, sunlight, and dignity.

Kevin Spacey’s entire career declared invalid

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Hollywood – Thousands of former Kevin Spacey fans have come out and declared that everything the Academy Award winning actor has ever done is not in fact brilliant after all but total garbage.

“Up until a few days ago he was my favorite A-Lister,” said screenwriter Jonathan Logan. “But the moment I heard he might have once made a drunken pass at a teenage boy thirty years ago I realized he was a terrible actor and that his entire body of work is nothing but dreck.”

Following Netflix’s decision to cancel House of Cards in which Spacey played the lead, a deluge of former fans flooded social media to say this action wasn’t good enough. Outraged commenters demanded that anything Spacey has ever appeared in be deleted and burned.

“I used to adore his performances,” said one fan. “The Usual Suspects, Glengarry Glen Ross, Seven, The Ref. You name it I thought he was fantastic in it. Now it’s clear to me that all of it sucks harder than Battlefield Earth.”

Another former fan immediately reversed her position on what many once called Spacey’s finest hour.

“I feel like such a fool,” said the erstwhile super fan. “For the last 18 years I’ve been under the misapprehension that American Beauty was arguably the best film of the 1990s, largely due to Spacey’s thrilling turn as a conflicted husband in the throes of a mid-life crisis. With the sexual misconduct claim the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can see that his performance is actually dreadful in what is basically just another crappy family drama.”

A Hollywood insider confirmed that Spacey’s soon-to-be dead career never should have happened in the first place.

“No one can be a great actor and a sexual deviant at the same time. The two are mutually exclusive. Especially in Hollywood. So in the wake of the allegation it’s obvious to everyone that Spacey has been a fifth-rate hack all along who only found fame because he slept his way to the top.”

The insider warned that anyone who doesn’t publicly condemn Spacey and anything he’s ever been associated with is automatically condoning his alleged misconduct and will soon find themselves condemned.