Kabul, Afghanistan – Islamic terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda has voiced fears of a backlash after Islamic terrorist organisation ISIS claimed responsibility for the latest attack in the United States, aka The Great Satan.
“After the recent incident in the infidel cesspit of Ohio we are afraid that we will face greater discrimination by people who do not understand the differences between us and ISIS,” said senior Al-Qaeda member Abel Alwaki who had just finished beheading an old woman for casting a spell on her neighbour’s donkey.
“There is a growing misconception that just because we will blow up a bus full of school children to take out a Shiite leader in an adjacent car this means we will burn other Muslims alive in cages like those ISIS devils,” he said.
Other members were visibly distressed about being confused with their ultra-extremist rivals.
“We were walking around with rocket launchers and Kalashnikovs long before they were,” sulked Amsar Saeed. “They’ve stolen our image and now we have people hissing at us in the street and calling us ISIS scum and other nasty names behind our backs. It’s not fair.”
Alwaki nodded and blinked back tears as he washed the blood off his sword.
“I am just a simple executioner doing his best to rid the world of unbelievers, adulterers, and sorcerers, but now I am in danger of being branded ungodly because of all this negative publicity and stereotyping.”
Alwaki then became overcome with emotion and had to return to his tent to have a cup of tea and a nice lie down with a child who he insisted was his bride and definitely not a Yazidi sex slave.