NYC – 56-year-old certified accountant Jeremy Symonds has confessed that the one thing he really wants to do before he gets too old to do it is be in a fight and win.
“I’ve had a great career with a top firm,” said Symonds from the dining room of a private club in New York City. “I have a big house and a nice car. I’ve traveled the world and done pretty much everything I wanted to do with one exception: get into a brutal fist-fight with another man and emerge victorious with minimal injury.”
Symonds described never having beaten another man to a bloody pulp as a great void in his life.
“I know I’ll never be truly fulfilled unless I do it,” he said though a mouthful of lobster salad. “As rewarding as it is to work with blue-chip clients and watch my portfolio grow, what I really crave is the primal joy of smashing another man to the ground with my bare hands and watching him cower at my feet in a quivering ball of terror. Preferably outside a dive bar in front of some hot and impressionable college girls and men who’ll give me a wide berth afterwards and grim nods of respect.”
Symonds went on to say that despite being a flabby cigar smoker who hadn’t done a push-up since high school, he hoped his sex appeal would go through the roof when the young women witnessed his savage display of power.
“I’m hoping that once they see me curb stomp another man into a coma my raw animal magnesium will become irresistible and their primal instinct to mate with the dominant male and pass on his genes will override any revulsion they have for my turkey neck and Basset Hound jowls.”
Symonds was last seen chugging scotch in the back of a cab and heading towards The Bronx.