Columbus, Ohio – Authorities are mystified as to why a man drove his car into a crowd of worshipers outside a synagogue then jumped out screaming “Heil Hitler!” and started hacking them up with a machete before being shot dead by a security guard.
“We have no idea what motivated this formerly law abiding young white man with a swastika tattoo on his forehead to carry out such an horrific attack,” said Sergeant Headup Hisass from outside a donut truck. “Whether the synagogue was chosen at random or was targeted for a specific reason also remains unclear at this stage.”
20-year-old Helmut Obersturmführerjewhater has been described by friends and family as a charismatic and industrious student who was the leader of several prominent youth movements such as America’s Young Tigers and The Fourth Reich Fraternity.
“He was such a good boy,” said Helmut’s mother from the office of her local White Power chapter. “I just can’t believe he would do something like this. There must be some mistake.”
Police have reported that when they broke into the killer’s apartment they found a signed copy of Mein Kampf, a Nazi flag above his bed, and a framed photo of Adolf Hitler, but nothing out of the ordinary.
“We want to assure the public that we’re doing everything we can to get to the bottom of this tragedy,” said Headup Hisass. “Although having said that, people need to understand that sometimes there are no explanations for these things. The sad truth is that we may never know why this young man committed such a terrible atrocity.”