Posted in Satire

Police blasted over offensive language used to describe person who shot person in the head

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Sydney, Australia – Police have been blasted by critics for using what they say is blatantly insensitive language in a murder investigation. The language in question appeared in the Sydney Morning Herald, where a police report said a ‘manhunt’ was underway for a person with a ‘large’ build who shot another person in the head.

“That police described the search in sexist terms is bad enough, but their use of the L word is an outrage,” said a spokesperson from the Political Correctness Taskforce (PCT), which was set up to monitor offensive language in the media. “To label someone in such non-neutral terms is nothing but sizest, weightest, shapest hate speech. It’s the kind of extremist language that leads to gulags and death camps.”

A high ranking but in no way superior to any other officer police person was quick to issue a grovelling apology before a room full of press persons.

“We are deeply sorry for the insensitive language used regarding this incident,” said the police person. “The department takes great pains to avoid any mention of a person’s appearance that could possibly be construed as offensive to any other persons such as age, race, gender, religion, body modifications or attire. We realise now that describing a person’s size is as unacceptable as describing their height or hair colour. We have caused great offence to this person who shot another person in the head in broad daylight, and by calling this search a manhunt instead of a personhunt we have inadvertently revealed another aspect of their person that is not relevant to this or any other case.”

The apology fell on deaf ears however, as the police person was shouted down by members of the PCT who were outraged over the use of ‘broad’ daylight.

“Using the B word to describe daylight is the same as using the L word to describe a person’s build,” yelled one person. “It’s sizest hate speech.”

The group demanded the insensitive police person’s resignation.

“We need police persons who understand that descriptive sensitivity is paramount to any speech, conversation, or investigation,” said the PCT spokesperson. “We realise that a person has been shot in the head and that this person may not have given their consent for the assisted life relief to take place, but that’s not the real issue here. If the police continue to use such inflammatory language in their descriptions of persons, places, and things, then society will disintegrate into a state of confusion and anarchy.”

The prediction proved eerily prescient when chaos erupted moments later after an enraged person threatened to shoot the police person in the head for describing the person who actually did shoot another person in the head as being still at ‘large.’

Police have now issued a revised statement simply urging the public to be on the lookout for a person wearing clothes and shoes.

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