Posted in Satire

Woman sues beta male lover for pretending to be alpha stud


Miami, FL – A one-night stand has ended in acrimony and legal action after a woman learned that the dangerous high-flying millionaire she slept with was in fact a lowly service clerk with mommy issues.

“I haven’t been so pissed off since the last time this happened to me a few weeks ago,” said 24-year-old Jenna Cameron.

The pair met at a hip new waterfront club where Cameron was taken by the tall dark handsome stranger’s bad boy attitude and air of unavailability.

“I sat next to him at the bar hoping to get his attention, but he just ignored me. It was so frustrating. Finally I said, ‘Aren’t you going to buy a pretty lady a drink?’ and he said, ‘Sure, you know where I can find one?”

Cameron said the man went on to diminish her self-esteem with similarly cutting put-downs and alcohol-fueled rudeness until she was delirious with lust.

“Not only was he an arrogant bastard, but he came across as this big-shot alpha stud who was the CEO of a fortune five hundred company or some shit. I thought I’d hit the jackpot. If I snagged this guy I could finally quit waitressing and start living the pampered life I deserve, traveling the world getting banged silly on yachts and never having to work again.”

Cameron was quick to get the raven-haired lothario away from any potential female rivals and back to her apartment for a night of frenzied coupling. She began to suspect something was amiss however in the sober light of morning.

“I knew something was up when he didn’t just walk out and leave me in a state of delicious uncertainty over whether I’d see him again. He was suddenly caring instead of selfish, almost as if he were interested in me as a person.”

Cameron reported that by lunchtime the fake alpha still hadn’t left her apartment and had begun telling her how much he liked her and whining about his troubled childhood and poor relationship with his mother.

“I knew I’d made a mistake at this point. His whole demeanor had gone from bad boy to milksop. Then I find this name tag in his pocket when he’s in the shower and it turns out he’s just some fucking loser that works at Costco.”

Cameron claims the deception abrogates her former consent for the all night sex-fest.

“He pretended to be something he’s not and that’s rape, pure and simple. No woman ever bangs a beta unless she’s hit the wall and needs to settle for a provider. I’m sick of fake alphas fooling me. It’s high time someone made an example out of one of these frauds who think they can just go around tricking women into bed and getting away with it. I’m gonna sue this asshole into the ground.”

The waitress said she would begin legal proceedings as soon as she was done chatting with an ex-MMA fighter on Tinder.


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