Posted in Satire

Woman sues beta male lover for pretending to be alpha stud

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Miami, FL – A one-night stand has ended in acrimony and legal action after a woman learned that the dangerous high-flying millionaire she slept with was in fact a lowly service clerk with mommy issues.

“I haven’t been so pissed off since the last time this happened to me a few weeks ago,” said 24-year-old Jenna Cameron.

The pair met at a hip new waterfront club where Cameron was taken by the tall dark handsome stranger’s bad boy attitude and air of unavailability.

“I sat next to him at the bar hoping to get his attention, but he just ignored me. It was so frustrating. Finally I said, ‘Aren’t you going to buy a pretty lady a drink?’ and he said, ‘Sure, you know where I can find one?”

Cameron said the man went on to diminish her self-esteem with similarly cutting put-downs and alcohol-fueled rudeness until she was delirious with lust.

“Not only was he an arrogant bastard, but he came across as this big-shot alpha stud who was the CEO of a fortune five hundred company or some shit. I thought I’d hit the jackpot. If I snagged this guy I could finally quit waitressing and start living the pampered life I deserve, traveling the world getting banged silly on yachts and never having to work again.”

Cameron was quick to get the raven-haired lothario away from any potential female rivals and back to her apartment for a night of frenzied coupling. She began to suspect something was amiss however in the sober light of morning.

“I knew something was up when he didn’t just walk out and leave me in a state of delicious uncertainty over whether I’d see him again. He was suddenly caring instead of selfish, almost as if he were interested in me as a person.”

Cameron reported that by lunchtime the fake alpha still hadn’t left her apartment and had begun telling her how much he liked her and whining about his troubled childhood and poor relationship with his mother.

“I knew I’d made a mistake at this point. His whole demeanor had gone from bad boy to milksop. Then I find this name tag in his pocket when he’s in the shower and it turns out he’s just some fucking loser that works at Costco.”

Cameron claims the deception abrogates her former consent for the all night sex-fest.

“He pretended to be something he’s not and that’s rape, pure and simple. No woman ever bangs a beta unless she’s hit the wall and needs to settle for a provider. I’m sick of fake alphas fooling me. It’s high time someone made an example out of one of these frauds who think they can just go around tricking women into bed and getting away with it. I’m gonna sue this asshole into the ground.”

The waitress said she would begin legal proceedings as soon as she was done chatting with an ex-MMA fighter on Tinder.

Posted in Satire

Britain’s homeless population relieved to hear Prince Philip still alive and well

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Downtrodden vagrants all over the UK have breathed a collective sigh of relief to hear that one of their beloved overlords is still alive after rumours of his death spread like wildfire.

“Thank goodness he’s all right,” said one emaciated wretch who was far too insignificant to be named. “The other night as I lay in the gutter pulling some newspapers over me in a futile attempt to keep warm, I saw the headlines that he might be dead. I started praying that it was untrue. Surely, I thought, god wouldn’t be so cruel as to take such a noble man and leave scum like me still alive.”

One bedraggled woman spoke of her anguish upon hearing the dreadful rumours.

“I was squatting behind a skip to relieve myself because I haven’t got any money to access public toilets when I overheard someone on a mobile talking about how the Queen had called a meeting because her husband was dying. I was beside myself with grief and guilt. Our poor prince was lying on his antique four-poster deathbed and here I was wiping myself with an old sock and shooing off rats as though it was just another ordinary day.”

Countless other worthless pieces of sub-human filth who don’t contribute to the Royal Family’s divine right to obscene wealth and luxury shared similar stories. One starving immigrant was so overcome with emotion upon hearing that Philip was still alive that he abandoned his attempt to retrieve the half-eaten remains of a dead cat from a storm-drain and just lay in a ditch and cried.

When Prince Philip does inevitably pass, Britain’s homeless have vowed to beg outside Tube stations until they’ve raised enough money to buy flowers to lay at the gates of Buckingham Palace.

Posted in Satire

Brad Pitt no longer hot enough to continue acting

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Hollywood – Brad Pitt has revealed that he is no longer hot enough to be a Hollywood hunk and will therefore be shortly taken out behind a barn and shot.

“We always knew this day would come,” said Pitt’s longtime publicist. “Brad is not aging well. He’s always been a pretty boy, and like most pretty boys he doesn’t have the kind of classically handsome face to become a silver fox like George Clooney. Unfortunately, this means it’s the end of the line for Brad. Hollywood has a strict eugenics policy in place, and any A-lister who falls below the ideal of genetic perfection must be eliminated from the talent pool.”

Pitt recently revealed that he’s been suffering from depression ever since he hit fifty and began to look more like the average guy than the chiseled Adonis of yore.

“Without my god-like looks and legion of adoring fans I can’t go on,” said a visibly dejected Pitt. “Better they put a bullet in the back of my head now rather than let me linger in a miserable retirement that would only end with an overdose of prescription medication anyway.”

Pitt’s publicist says the execution will be a private ceremony and has asked the paparazzi to maintain a respectful distance with their long-lens cameras.

Posted in Satire

Maggie Gyllenhaal caught bitching about losing role to older woman after calling out Hollywood’s discrimination against older women

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Hollywood – Two years ago Maggie Gyllenhaal made headlines after being told that at 37 she was too old to play the love interest of a leading man in his fifties. Mature-aged actresses have long complained of ageism in an industry that consistently overlooks them in favor of beautiful young starlets. But now the 39-year-old former starlet who enjoyed years of starring in hit films has been caught badmouthing an older actress for landing a coveted role over her.

Gyllenhaal was having lunch with her agent in WeHo when she was secretly filmed bitching about 45-year-old Rosemarie DeWitt who, in a sign that things may be changing in Hollywood, is set to star with George Clooney in an upcoming blockbuster.

“I can’t believe I lost out to that hag,” whined Gyllenhaal. “I’m six years younger and way hotter. The producers are either blind or she’s blowing them.”

Her agent seemed taken aback.

“Well, I would’ve pushed harder for you,” he said, “but I thought you wanted older women to start getting roles over younger more beautiful ones.”

“Not when I’m the younger more beautiful one you fucking idiot!” screamed Gyllenhaal before throwing a glass at his head.

Within hours of this revelation, #maggiesahypocrite was the number one trending hashtag on Twitter. Gyllenhaal was not available for comment, though Hollywood is abuzz with rumors that she’s looking for a hitman to take out the little bastard that sold their cell-phone footage to the media.

Posted in Satire

Police blasted over offensive language used to describe person who shot person in the head

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Sydney, Australia – Police have been blasted by critics for using what they say is blatantly insensitive language in a murder investigation. The language in question appeared in the Sydney Morning Herald, where a police report said a ‘manhunt’ was underway for a person with a ‘large’ build who shot another person in the head.

“That police described the search in sexist terms is bad enough, but their use of the L word is an outrage,” said a spokesperson from the Political Correctness Taskforce (PCT), which was set up to monitor offensive language in the media. “To label someone in such non-neutral terms is nothing but sizest, weightest, shapest hate speech. It’s the kind of extremist language that leads to gulags and death camps.”

A high ranking but in no way superior to any other officer police person was quick to issue a grovelling apology before a room full of press persons.

“We are deeply sorry for the insensitive language used regarding this incident,” said the police person. “The department takes great pains to avoid any mention of a person’s appearance that could possibly be construed as offensive to any other persons such as age, race, gender, religion, body modifications or attire. We realise now that describing a person’s size is as unacceptable as describing their height or hair colour. We have caused great offence to this person who shot another person in the head in broad daylight, and by calling this search a manhunt instead of a personhunt we have inadvertently revealed another aspect of their person that is not relevant to this or any other case.”

The apology fell on deaf ears however, as the police person was shouted down by members of the PCT who were outraged over the use of ‘broad’ daylight.

“Using the B word to describe daylight is the same as using the L word to describe a person’s build,” yelled one person. “It’s sizest hate speech.”

The group demanded the insensitive police person’s resignation.

“We need police persons who understand that descriptive sensitivity is paramount to any speech, conversation, or investigation,” said the PCT spokesperson. “We realise that a person has been shot in the head and that this person may not have given their consent for the assisted life relief to take place, but that’s not the real issue here. If the police continue to use such inflammatory language in their descriptions of persons, places, and things, then society will disintegrate into a state of confusion and anarchy.”

The prediction proved eerily prescient when chaos erupted moments later after an enraged person threatened to shoot the police person in the head for describing the person who actually did shoot another person in the head as being still at ‘large.’

Police have now issued a revised statement simply urging the public to be on the lookout for a person wearing clothes and shoes.

Posted in Satire

Authorities say motive remains unclear for attack on synagogue

Columbus, Ohio – Authorities are mystified as to why a man drove his car into a crowd of worshipers outside a synagogue then jumped out screaming “Heil Hitler!” and started hacking them up with a machete before being shot dead by a security guard.

“We have no idea what motivated this formerly law abiding young white man with a swastika tattoo on his forehead to carry out such an horrific attack,” said Sergeant Headup Hisass from outside a donut truck. “Whether the synagogue was chosen at random or was targeted for a specific reason also remains unclear at this stage.”

20-year-old Helmut Obersturmf├╝hrerjewhater has been described by friends and family as a charismatic and industrious student who was the leader of several prominent youth movements such as America’s Young Tigers and The Fourth Reich Fraternity.

“He was such a good boy,” said Helmut’s mother from the office of her local White Power chapter. “I just can’t believe he would do something like this. There must be some mistake.”

Police have reported that when they broke into the killer’s apartment they found a signed copy of Mein Kampf, a Nazi flag above his bed, and a framed photo of Adolf Hitler, but nothing out of the ordinary.

“We want to assure the public that we’re doing everything we can to get to the bottom of this tragedy,” said Headup Hisass. “Although having said that, people need to understand that sometimes there are no explanations for these things. The sad truth is that we may never know why this young man committed such a terrible atrocity.”

Posted in Satire

Aging accountant just wants to be in a fight and win

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NYC – 56-year-old certified accountant Jeremy Symonds has confessed that the one thing he really wants to do before he gets too old to do it is be in a fight and win.

“I’ve had a great career with a top firm,” said Symonds from the dining room of a private club in New York City. “I have a big house and a nice car. I’ve traveled the world and done pretty much everything I wanted to do with one exception: get into a brutal fist-fight with another man and emerge victorious with minimal injury.”

Symonds described never having beaten another man to a bloody pulp as a great void in his life.

“I know I’ll┬ánever be truly fulfilled unless I do it,” he said though a mouthful of lobster salad. “As rewarding as it is to work with blue-chip clients and watch my portfolio grow, what I really crave is the primal joy of smashing another man to the ground with my bare hands and watching him cower at my feet in a quivering ball of terror. Preferably outside a dive bar in front of some hot and impressionable college girls and men who’ll give me a wide berth afterwards and grim nods of respect.”

Symonds went on to say that despite being a flabby cigar smoker who hadn’t done a push-up since high school, he hoped his sex appeal would go through the roof when the young women witnessed his savage display of power.

“I’m hoping that once they see me curb stomp another man into a coma my raw animal magnesium will become irresistible and their primal instinct to mate with the dominant male and pass on his genes will override any revulsion they have for my turkey neck and Basset Hound jowls.”

Symonds was last seen chugging scotch in the back of a cab and heading towards The Bronx.