Posted in Satire

Game show contestant told he’s not allowed to ignore the studio audience’s mindless shouting

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Hollywood, CA – In an unprecedented move, taping of The Price is Right has been put on hold after 34-year-old contestant Jonathan Elders failed to engage the room full of mouth-breathing spazwits who’ve been bussed in from the burbs to constantly shout useless advice.

Unlike every other contestant who’s ever appeared on the show, Elders did not turn to the screaming audience for help with a gormless expression on his face every time he had to decide which box to pick. Instead, he stood with his back to them and silently studied the display panel in a thoughtful manner. Long-time host Drew Carey stopped the show halfway through and took Elders aside to tell him he would not proceed to the next round if he continued to ignore the braying herd.

“Jonathan’s lack of engagement with the audience is ruining the atmosphere of phony excitement,” said Carey. “It’s totally unacceptable. Nobody wants to watch some guy just standing there quietly and thinking things through. The show needs a sense of high drama about it to keep the morons at home from changing channels, and this is only achieved by everyone engaging in a lot of yelling and screaming where nothing is comprehensible and in the end the contestant picks a random box out of desperation.”

Executive producer Sue Winthrop elaborated on Carey’s point.

“We screen all potential contestants to make sure they’re energetic dimwits and obviously Jonathan passed otherwise he wouldn’t have been selected, but it’s now clear he was only feigning enthusiastic stupidity. It’s vital that both the studio audience and the viewers at home feel as though they’re part of an exciting event, not just a thinly disguised hour of product placement. Companies are paying us a bung-load of money for prime time exposure so it’s our job to create a buzz around their latest consumer items. We want our viewers drooling over new cars and white goods so they go out and buy thousands of them. Jonathan’s calm, rational behavior is interfering with the mood of impulsive purchasing, and we can’t have that.”

At this stage it’s unclear whether Elders can bring himself to face the mob of gibbering blockheads or if he’ll get out while his sanity is still intact.



Posted in Satire

Last man who still finds The Lumberjack Song funny found living in his mother’s basement

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Croydon, England – An unemployed British man is believed to be the last person left alive to publicly admit that he still finds The Lumberjack Song funny. It was assumed that no one had found the 1969 song even remotely amusing for at least three decades until evidence to the contrary came to light via a YouTube comment.

The outrage began moments after Dan Ackerman posted, ‘Still makes me laugh after all these years!’ beneath a clip of the song as it was performed in 1982 as part of Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.

His comment was met with disbelief and swift rebuke from hordes of rabid commenters eager to show the deluded man the error of his ways. When he responded by asking why they were watching something they didn’t find funny he was told they were ‘hate watching.’

Ackerman seemed baffled by the concept, which only provoked more hatred until the incident spiralled out of control on a tsunami of rage and accusations of homophobia. Once it went viral he was contacted by the media and offered a chance to explain himself on a morning news programme. The ageing Python fan appeared bewildered by the vitriolic attacks as he sat in the studio and tried to justify his position.

“People these days wouldn’t know comedy if it hit them in the face with a cream pie,” he said without a trace of irony. “Not only is The Lumberjack Song poking fun at a working class man who likes to dress in women’s clothes, but it’s sung by a group of upper middle class men who made a career out of dressing in women’s clothes. How is that not funny?”

Ackerman denied all charges of being a clueless transphobic relic and insisted he had a brilliant sense of humour, which he demonstrated by ‘cracking’ jokes about how he hadn’t worked in years since he was ‘laid off’ from his job at a chicken factory. The man who’s been living in his mother’s basement since 1976 said he didn’t get out much anymore but also said it didn’t bother him.

“Mum still brings my meals down to me and Dad had a second lavatory installed there a few years ago before he died, so ever since I stopped showering I don’t even have to go upstairs anymore.”

When asked if he could imagine a time when he no longer found The Lumberjack Song funny, Ackerman thought it highly unlikely.

“Sometimes when I go to the lavatory I start singing the line from the song ‘I go to the lavatory’ and it makes it even more hilarious,” he said.

Ackerman went on to say that he had everything he needed in the basement except a girlfriend, sunlight, and dignity.

Posted in Satire

Kevin Spacey’s entire career declared invalid


Hollywood – Thousands of former Kevin Spacey fans have come out and declared that everything the Academy Award winning actor has ever done is not in fact brilliant after all but total garbage.

“Up until a few days ago he was my favorite A-Lister,” said screenwriter Jonathan Logan. “But the moment I heard he might have once made a drunken pass at a teenage boy thirty years ago I realized he was a terrible actor and that his entire body of work is nothing but dreck.”

Following Netflix’s decision to cancel House of Cards in which Spacey played the lead, a deluge of former fans flooded social media to say this action wasn’t good enough. Outraged commenters demanded that anything Spacey has ever appeared in be deleted and burned.

“I used to adore his performances,” said one fan. “The Usual Suspects, Glengarry Glen Ross, Seven, The Ref. You name it I thought he was fantastic in it. Now it’s clear to me that all of it sucks harder than Battlefield Earth.”

Another former fan immediately reversed her position on what many once called Spacey’s finest hour.

“I feel like such a fool,” said the erstwhile super fan. “For the last 18 years I’ve been under the misapprehension that American Beauty was arguably the best film of the 1990s, largely due to Spacey’s thrilling turn as a conflicted husband in the throes of a mid-life crisis. With the sexual misconduct claim the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can see that his performance is actually dreadful in what is basically just another crappy family drama.”

A Hollywood insider confirmed that Spacey’s soon-to-be dead career never should have happened in the first place.

“No one can be a great actor and a sexual deviant at the same time. The two are mutually exclusive. Especially in Hollywood. So in the wake of the allegation it’s obvious to everyone that Spacey has been a fifth-rate hack all along who only found fame because he slept his way to the top.”

The insider warned that anyone who doesn’t publicly condemn Spacey and anything he’s ever been associated with is automatically condoning his alleged misconduct and will soon find themselves condemned.

Posted in Satire

Woman sues beta male lover for pretending to be alpha stud


Miami, FL – A one-night stand has ended in acrimony and legal action after a woman learned that the dangerous high-flying millionaire she slept with was in fact a lowly service clerk with mommy issues.

“I haven’t been so pissed off since the last time this happened to me a few weeks ago,” said 24-year-old Jenna Cameron.

The pair met at a hip new waterfront club where Cameron was taken by the tall dark handsome stranger’s bad boy attitude and air of unavailability.

“I sat next to him at the bar hoping to get his attention, but he just ignored me. It was so frustrating. Finally I said, ‘Aren’t you going to buy a pretty lady a drink?’ and he said, ‘Sure, you know where I can find one?”

Cameron said the man went on to diminish her self-esteem with similarly cutting put-downs and alcohol-fueled rudeness until she was delirious with lust.

“Not only was he an arrogant bastard, but he came across as this big-shot alpha stud who was the CEO of a fortune five hundred company or some shit. I thought I’d hit the jackpot. If I snagged this guy I could finally quit waitressing and start living the pampered life I deserve, traveling the world getting banged silly on yachts and never having to work again.”

Cameron was quick to get the raven-haired lothario away from any potential female rivals and back to her apartment for a night of frenzied coupling. She began to suspect something was amiss however in the sober light of morning.

“I knew something was up when he didn’t just walk out and leave me in a state of delicious uncertainty over whether I’d see him again. He was suddenly caring instead of selfish, almost as if he were interested in me as a person.”

Cameron reported that by lunchtime the fake alpha still hadn’t left her apartment and had begun telling her how much he liked her and whining about his troubled childhood and poor relationship with his mother.

“I knew I’d made a mistake at this point. His whole demeanor had gone from bad boy to milksop. Then I find this name tag in his pocket when he’s in the shower and it turns out he’s just some fucking loser that works at Costco.”

Cameron claims the deception abrogates her former consent for the all night sex-fest.

“He pretended to be something he’s not and that’s rape, pure and simple. No woman ever bangs a beta unless she’s hit the wall and needs to settle for a provider. I’m sick of fake alphas fooling me. It’s high time someone made an example out of one of these frauds who think they can just go around tricking women into bed and getting away with it. I’m gonna sue this asshole into the ground.”

The waitress said she would begin legal proceedings as soon as she was done chatting with an ex-MMA fighter on Tinder.

Posted in Satire

Britain’s homeless population relieved to hear Prince Philip still alive and well


Downtrodden vagrants all over the UK have breathed a collective sigh of relief to hear that one of their beloved overlords is still alive after rumours of his death spread like wildfire.

“Thank goodness he’s all right,” said one emaciated wretch who was far too insignificant to be named. “The other night as I lay in the gutter pulling some newspapers over me in a futile attempt to keep warm, I saw the headlines that he might be dead. I started praying that it was untrue. Surely, I thought, god wouldn’t be so cruel as to take such a noble man and leave scum like me still alive.”

One bedraggled woman spoke of her anguish upon hearing the dreadful rumours.

“I was squatting behind a skip to relieve myself because I haven’t got any money to access public toilets when I overheard someone on a mobile talking about how the Queen had called a meeting because her husband was dying. I was beside myself with grief and guilt. Our poor prince was lying on his antique four-poster deathbed and here I was wiping myself with an old sock and shooing off rats as though it was just another ordinary day.”

Countless other worthless pieces of sub-human filth who don’t contribute to the Royal Family’s divine right to obscene wealth and luxury shared similar stories. One starving immigrant was so overcome with emotion upon hearing that Philip was still alive that he abandoned his attempt to retrieve the half-eaten remains of a dead cat from a storm-drain and just lay in a ditch and cried.

When Prince Philip does inevitably pass, Britain’s homeless have vowed to beg outside Tube stations until they’ve raised enough money to buy flowers to lay at the gates of Buckingham Palace.

Posted in Satire

Brad Pitt no longer hot enough to continue acting


Hollywood – Brad Pitt has revealed that he is no longer hot enough to be a Hollywood hunk and will therefore be shortly taken out behind a barn and shot.

“We always knew this day would come,” said Pitt’s longtime publicist. “Brad is not aging well. He’s always been a pretty boy, and like most pretty boys he doesn’t have the kind of classically handsome face to become a silver fox like George Clooney. Unfortunately, this means it’s the end of the line for Brad. Hollywood has a strict eugenics policy in place, and any A-lister who falls below the ideal of genetic perfection must be eliminated from the talent pool.”

Pitt recently revealed that he’s been suffering from depression ever since he hit fifty and began to look more like the average guy than the chiseled Adonis of yore.

“Without my god-like looks and legion of adoring fans I can’t go on,” said a visibly dejected Pitt. “Better they put a bullet in the back of my head now rather than let me linger in a miserable retirement that would only end with an overdose of prescription medication anyway.”

Pitt’s publicist says the execution will be a private ceremony and has asked the paparazzi to maintain a respectful distance with their long-lens cameras.

Posted in Satire

Maggie Gyllenhaal caught bitching about losing role to older woman after calling out Hollywood’s discrimination against older women


Hollywood – Two years ago Maggie Gyllenhaal made headlines after being told that at 37 she was too old to play the love interest of a leading man in his fifties. Mature-aged actresses have long complained of ageism in an industry that consistently overlooks them in favor of beautiful young starlets. But now the 39-year-old former starlet who enjoyed years of starring in hit films has been caught badmouthing an older actress for landing a coveted role over her.

Gyllenhaal was having lunch with her agent in WeHo when she was secretly filmed bitching about 45-year-old Rosemarie DeWitt who, in a sign that things may be changing in Hollywood, is set to star with George Clooney in an upcoming blockbuster.

“I can’t believe I lost out to that hag,” whined Gyllenhaal. “I’m six years younger and way hotter. The producers are either blind or she’s blowing them.”

Her agent seemed taken aback.

“Well, I would’ve pushed harder for you,” he said, “but I thought you wanted older women to start getting roles over younger more beautiful ones.”

“Not when I’m the younger more beautiful one you fucking idiot!” screamed Gyllenhaal before throwing a glass at his head.

Within hours of this revelation, #maggiesahypocrite was the number one trending hashtag on Twitter. Gyllenhaal was not available for comment, though Hollywood is abuzz with rumors that she’s looking for a hitman to take out the little bastard that sold their cell-phone footage to the media.