Posted in Satire

Police blasted over offensive language used to describe person who shot person in the head

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Sydney, Australia – Police have been blasted by critics for using what they say is blatantly insensitive language in a murder investigation. The language in question appeared in the Sydney Morning Herald, where a police report said a ‘manhunt’ was underway for a person with a ‘large’ build who shot another person in the head.

“That police described the search in sexist terms is bad enough, but their use of the L word is an outrage,” said a spokesperson from the Political Correctness Taskforce (PCT), which was set up to monitor offensive language in the media. “To label someone in such non-neutral terms is nothing but sizest, weightest, shapest hate speech. It’s the kind of extremist language that leads to gulags and death camps.”

A high ranking but in no way superior to any other officer police person was quick to issue a grovelling apology before a room full of press persons.

“We are deeply sorry for the insensitive language used regarding this incident,” said the police person. “The department takes great pains to avoid any mention of a person’s appearance that could possibly be construed as offensive to any other persons such as age, race, gender, religion, body modifications or attire. We realise now that describing a person’s size is as unacceptable as describing their height or hair colour. We have caused great offence to this person who shot another person in the head in broad daylight, and by calling this search a manhunt instead of a personhunt we have inadvertently revealed another aspect of their person that is not relevant to this or any other case.”

The apology fell on deaf ears however, as the police person was shouted down by members of the PCT who were outraged over the use of ‘broad’ daylight.

“Using the B word to describe daylight is the same as using the L word to describe a person’s build,” yelled one person. “It’s sizest hate speech.”

The group demanded the insensitive police person’s resignation.

“We need police persons who understand that descriptive sensitivity is paramount to any speech, conversation, or investigation,” said the PCT spokesperson. “We realise that a person has been shot in the head and that this person may not have given their consent for the assisted life relief to take place, but that’s not the real issue here. If the police continue to use such inflammatory language in their descriptions of persons, places, and things, then society will disintegrate into a state of confusion and anarchy.”

The prediction proved eerily prescient when chaos erupted moments later after an enraged person threatened to shoot the police person in the head for describing the person who actually did shoot another person in the head as being still at ‘large.’

Police have now issued a revised statement simply urging the public to be on the lookout for a person wearing clothes and shoes.

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Posted in Satire

Authorities say motive remains unclear for attack on synagogue

Columbus, Ohio – Authorities are mystified as to why a man drove his car into a crowd of worshipers outside a synagogue then jumped out screaming “Heil Hitler!” and started hacking them up with a machete before being shot dead by a security guard.

“We have no idea what motivated this formerly law abiding young white man with a swastika tattoo on his forehead to carry out such an horrific attack,” said Sergeant Headup Hisass from outside a donut truck. “Whether the synagogue was chosen at random or was targeted for a specific reason also remains unclear at this stage.”

20-year-old Helmut Obersturmführerjewhater has been described by friends and family as a charismatic and industrious student who was the leader of several prominent youth movements such as America’s Young Tigers and The Fourth Reich Fraternity.

“He was such a good boy,” said Helmut’s mother from the office of her local White Power chapter. “I just can’t believe he would do something like this. There must be some mistake.”

Police have reported that when they broke into the killer’s apartment they found a signed copy of Mein Kampf, a Nazi flag above his bed, and a framed photo of Adolf Hitler, but nothing out of the ordinary.

“We want to assure the public that we’re doing everything we can to get to the bottom of this tragedy,” said Headup Hisass. “Although having said that, people need to understand that sometimes there are no explanations for these things. The sad truth is that we may never know why this young man committed such a terrible atrocity.”

Posted in Satire

Aging accountant just wants to be in a fight and win

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NYC – 56-year-old certified accountant Jeremy Symonds has confessed that the one thing he really wants to do before he gets too old to do it is be in a fight and win.

“I’ve had a great career with a top firm,” said Symonds from the dining room of a private club in New York City. “I have a big house and a nice car. I’ve traveled the world and done pretty much everything I wanted to do with one exception: get into a brutal fist-fight with another man and emerge victorious with minimal injury.”

Symonds described never having beaten another man to a bloody pulp as a great void in his life.

“I know I’ll never be truly fulfilled unless I do it,” he said though a mouthful of lobster salad. “As rewarding as it is to work with blue-chip clients and watch my portfolio grow, what I really crave is the primal joy of smashing another man to the ground with my bare hands and watching him cower at my feet in a quivering ball of terror. Preferably outside a dive bar in front of some hot and impressionable college girls and men who’ll give me a wide berth afterwards and grim nods of respect.”

Symonds went on to say that despite being a flabby cigar smoker who hadn’t done a push-up since high school, he hoped his sex appeal would go through the roof when the young women witnessed his savage display of power.

“I’m hoping that once they see me curb stomp another man into a coma my raw animal magnesium will become irresistible and their primal instinct to mate with the dominant male and pass on his genes will override any revulsion they have for my turkey neck and Basset Hound jowls.”

Symonds was last seen chugging scotch in the back of a cab and heading towards The Bronx.

Posted in Satire

Masochistic satire writer looking forward to another year of indifference to his work

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Seattle, WA – With 2017 in full swing, satirist Richard Collins is looking forward to another year of not making any money from writing articles for a minuscule audience.

“It’s really exciting,” said the 42-year-old office worker. “January’s not even over yet and I’ve already written and posted six articles online that have been completely ignored.”

Collins also enjoys the fact that even after years of writing satire he’s still never been paid for it.

“I don’t even get a few measly cents in advertising revenue from the websites I contribute to,” he said. “It’s completely humiliating, but there’s a perverse pleasure in knowing that some other guy is raking in the cash from selling the ad space around the content I provide for free.”

Collins wrote nearly two hundred articles last year, a personal record that he’s determined to break.

“It’s going to be tough to beat, especially since full-time work means I don’t have a lot of spare time and energy to write. I’m determined to pass the two hundred mark though, even if have to quit my job to do it.”

When asked how he would continue to write if he ended up an unemployed bum without internet access, Collins said he’d start scrawling on alleyway walls with a sharpie if he had to.

“I’d never let a little thing like becoming homeless in middle-age stop me from pursuing my passion. Even if I end up writing for a handful of drunken bums who can’t read I’ll just have to keep going, no matter how futile it is.”

Posted in Satire

Woman loses job in high-end retail store for not being a big enough bitch

shop-assistantsBeverly Hills – 23-year-old Amanda Carlisle has lost her job in a luxury lingerie store for failing to be bitchy enough to the customers.

“Amanda did great in the interview,” said supervisor Claire Marshall, “but once she hit the floor it became clear that she wasn’t the bitch we thought she was.”

Apparently the Southern transplant was good at smiling coldly and implying that women were too fat for items they were interested in, but hadn’t mastered the art of snorting delicately in contempt and dismissing them with a withering glance when they asked for assistance.

“Just because you’re the biggest bitch in Oklahoma City doesn’t mean you can cut it out here in L.A. among the mega-bitches,” said former co-worker Penny Green.

Store owner Rachel Prestons explained her business model.

“I used my father’s money to open this store three years ago with the express purpose of turning away as many women as possible. We’ve worked hard to create an atmosphere of exclusive hostility where everything about us screams ‘go away, you’re not good enough,’ and unfortunately Amanda was undermining that.”

When asked about unwanted customers who can’t take a hint, Prestons said staff simply disappear into the backroom and watch them on the security monitors until they give up and leave.

Posted in Horror fiction

Rejected for Content 5: Sanitarium

It ain’t all satire and cynicism here at JC central. I have a new story out called Time Bomb, which is all about the pressures of urban life and the kind of violence and insanity it often breeds. You’ll find it lodged in the belly of this brand spankin’ new beast along with a ton of other great sick and twisted tales. Get your kindle copies here and here, and your paperback version here.

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Posted in Satire

Jeremy Corbyn admits he’s only in it for the chicks

In a bizarre meltdown, British Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has announced that he did not in fact get into politics to make a difference but to ‘pull the birds.’

Thrice-married Corbyn had just emerged from a vegetarian soup kitchen when he was ambushed by some reporters who began asking about his minimum wage proposal. Corbyn tried to walk away but they dogged him up the street until he snapped and turned on them like a rabid terrier.

“That’s it!” he screamed. “I’ve had it with you people!”

Corbyn then jumped up on a bench and launched into an extraordinary rant that was initially ignored by passerbys who assumed he was just a drunken tramp. A large crowd soon gathered however once they realised it was the leader of the opposition.

“Listen!” he screeched. “Do you really think I got into this game because I wanted to dedicate my life to championing equality and serving you lot? Don’t be ridiculous! I just wanted to pull the birds, but I was no good at sport and couldn’t sing or play an instrument so that left politics!”

Corbyn’s initial attempts to pick up chicks were hampered as much by his hobby of photographing old drains as by often looking as though he’d just crawled out of one. Once he found himself on the political frontlines and front pages however, his luck with the ladies began to change.

“Never underestimate the sex appeal of conspicuous outrage!” yelled Corbyn. “Chicks love a rebel, even one who prefers a pushbike to a motorbike.”