Posted in Satire

Masochistic satire writer looking forward to another year of indifference to his work

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Seattle, WA – With 2017 in full swing, satirist Richard Collins is looking forward to another year of not making any money from writing articles for a minuscule audience.

“It’s really exciting,” said the 42-year-old office worker. “January’s not even over yet and I’ve already written and posted six articles online that have been completely ignored.”

Collins also enjoys the fact that even after years of writing satire he’s still never been paid for it.

“I don’t even get a few measly cents in advertising revenue from the websites I contribute to,” he said. “It’s completely humiliating, but there’s a perverse pleasure in knowing that some other guy is raking in the cash from selling the ad space around the content I provide for free.”

Collins wrote nearly two hundred articles last year, a personal record that he’s determined to break.

“It’s going to be tough to beat, especially since full-time work means I don’t have a lot of spare time and energy to write. I’m determined to pass the two hundred mark though, even if have to quit my job to do it.”

When asked how he would continue to write if he ended up an unemployed bum without internet access, Collins said he’d start scrawling on alleyway walls with a sharpie if he had to.

“I’d never let a little thing like becoming homeless in middle-age stop me from pursuing my passion. Even if I end up writing for a handful of drunken bums who can’t read I’ll just have to keep going, no matter how futile it is.”

Posted in Satire

Woman loses job in high-end retail store for not being a big enough bitch

shop-assistantsBeverly Hills – 23-year-old Amanda Carlisle has lost her job in a luxury lingerie store for failing to be bitchy enough to the customers.

“Amanda did great in the interview,” said supervisor Claire Marshall, “but once she hit the floor it became clear that she wasn’t the bitch we thought she was.”

Apparently the Southern transplant was good at smiling coldly and implying that women were too fat for items they were interested in, but hadn’t mastered the art of snorting delicately in contempt and dismissing them with a withering glance when they asked for assistance.

“Just because you’re the biggest bitch in Oklahoma City doesn’t mean you can cut it out here in L.A. among the mega-bitches,” said former co-worker Penny Green.

Store owner Rachel Prestons explained her business model.

“I used my father’s money to open this store three years ago with the express purpose of turning away as many women as possible. We’ve worked hard to create an atmosphere of exclusive hostility where everything about us screams ‘go away, you’re not good enough,’ and unfortunately Amanda was undermining that.”

When asked about unwanted customers who can’t take a hint, Prestons said staff simply disappear into the backroom and watch them on the security monitors until they give up and leave.

Posted in Horror fiction

Rejected for Content 5: Sanitarium

It ain’t all satire and cynicism here at JC central. I have a new story out called Time Bomb, which is all about the pressures of urban life and the kind of violence and insanity it often breeds. You’ll find it lodged in the belly of this brand spankin’ new beast along with a ton of other great sick and twisted tales. Get your kindle copies here and here, and your paperback version here.

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Posted in Satire

Jeremy Corbyn admits he’s only in it for the chicks

In a bizarre meltdown, British Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has announced that he did not in fact get into politics to make a difference but to ‘pull the birds.’

Thrice-married Corbyn had just emerged from a vegetarian soup kitchen when he was ambushed by some reporters who began asking about his minimum wage proposal. Corbyn tried to walk away but they dogged him up the street until he snapped and turned on them like a rabid terrier.

“That’s it!” he screamed. “I’ve had it with you people!”

Corbyn then jumped up on a bench and launched into an extraordinary rant that was initially ignored by passerbys who assumed he was just a drunken tramp. A large crowd soon gathered however once they realised it was the leader of the opposition.

“Listen!” he screeched. “Do you really think I got into this game because I wanted to dedicate my life to championing equality and serving you lot? Don’t be ridiculous! I just wanted to pull the birds, but I was no good at sport and couldn’t sing or play an instrument so that left politics!”

Corbyn’s initial attempts to pick up chicks were hampered as much by his hobby of photographing old drains as by often looking as though he’d just crawled out of one. Once he found himself on the political frontlines and front pages however, his luck with the ladies began to change.

“Never underestimate the sex appeal of conspicuous outrage!” yelled Corbyn. “Chicks love a rebel, even one who prefers a pushbike to a motorbike.”

Posted in Satire

43-year-old man still struggling with the unwritten rules of giving and receiving Christmas cards

New Haven, CT – 43-year-old stockbroker Martin Wells is in the grip of an annual anxiety attack from the strain of trying to grasp the unwritten rules of giving and receiving Christmas cards.

“I don’t even want to get Christmas cards, let alone give them,” said a visibly distraught Wells. “Bad enough I have to go through this pointless ritual every year but then I’m expected to display the cards I get in my living room for weeks on end, which is even more pointless.”

Wells said he leaves his cards up until Christmas day but beyond that has no idea when it’s socially acceptable to take them down.

“It only takes a few seconds to read a card then you never read it again,” he said. “So why can’t we just throw it straight in the trash afterwards?”

Wells also had concerns over the potential dangers of card giving.

“What if I give a card to one person at the office but not another? Will that be seen as a hostile act of exclusion and ‘shutting someone out’? And what if I give a card to a woman who secretly hates me? Next thing you know I’m up on a sexual harassment charge. It’s a nightmare.”

He went on to say that he wasn’t even sure when he was supposed to start putting his cards up.

“My mother sent me a card at the end of November and I didn’t know whether to put it up straight away or wait a couple days until it was actually December,” he said.

The card in question now stands alongside numerous others on a mantelpiece strung with a dozen more. Wells predicted he was going have to clear the coffee table to make room for another batch.

“I’m already running out of space,” he said. “So far I’ve had eleven cards from relatives and sixteen from friends and co-workers. If last year is any indication they’ll be more to come.”

Wells expressed bewilderment at the whole concept of exchanging Christmas cards in the first place.

“It’s the Internet age,” he said. “If people want to wish each other Merry Christmas then surely it’s enough to mass email everyone and save ourselves a lot of time and money.”

The stockbroker was particularly distressed over what to do regarding acquaintances who gave him Christmas cards.

“I even get cards from the cleaning staff at work for Chrissakes,” he said. “I barely know half these people yet every time one of them gives me a card I feel obliged to give one back.”

At press time, Wells was thinking of converting to Judaism to avoid any more of this bullshit.

Posted in Satire

MAN FIRED FOR BEING TOO NICE TO CO-WORKERS

Sydney, Australia – Just three months into a new job at a government department and payroll officer Michael Flannery has been fired for being too nice to his co-workers.

“Michael was such a friendly and supportive guy,” said former colleague Danielle Mendelsohn. “So naturally people were wary of him from the start.”

The consensus was that Flannery had been trying to ingratiate himself with upper management and push someone out of a better paying position.

“No one’s that nice unless they have an ulterior motive,” said Dan Huskins from HR. “I mean come on, this is payroll we’re talking about. It’s hard enough to stay civil doing that shit, let alone chirpy.”

Karen Wilson, whose cubicle was next to Flannery’s, revealed that in addition to being insufferably nice, the father of three was loathed for being heavily involved in office charity events and fundraising activities.

“He was always trying to make the rest of us look bad,” said Wilson. “Most people duck and run when they see the chocolate box lady coming their way, or pick up the phone and pretend to be on a call that can’t possibly be interrupted by something as trivial as raising a few bucks for kids with cancer. But Michael used to wave her over every time and buy two dozen of those goddamn chocolate bars. Then he’d hand them out to everyone like a self-serving prick.”

Todd Reiner from IT agreed.

“Michael never bitched about people behind their backs or got involved in petty office feuds unless it was to offer some advice on how to solve things,” said the 21-year-old intern. “No one wants to work with someone like that. It’s not normal.”

Flannery apparently annoyed so many people with his unshakable niceness and perennial do-gooding that management was forced to intervene.

“It became clear that Michael was a disruptive presence that had to be removed for the sake of all concerned,” said former supervisor John Braithwaite.

Reiner recalls the incident that he says was the final straw.

“It was one night right on five o’clock when Sandra from reception slipped over in the tearoom and twisted her ankle. I didn’t see what happened next because I had to get home and play Xbox, but I heard Michael rushed over and helped her up. He even got her an ice pack and stayed with her until the medic arrived. Sandra’s a bit of a cougar, so obviously he was just trying to get into her pants.”

Others said they were disgusted with the way Flannery had accepted his termination with good grace.

“He even shook hands with the security guard who coldly escorted him from the building,” said Huskins.

When asked if they felt bad that Flannery had been fired, his former co-workers were unanimous in a verdict that Reiner summed up succinctly:

“Nah, man. No one feels sorry for that arsehole. He had it comin’.”

Posted in Satire

Thousands protest against lack of advertising inside private homes

Thousands of people all over the world have taken to the streets to demand that advertising saturation of public space be expanded to include private homes.

“It’s a disgrace,” said one protester from Madrid. “Bad enough that society still has ad-free dead spots like morgues and public libraries, but we shouldn’t have to suffer the same indignity in our homes.”

This sentiment was echoed in Trafalgar Square where a huge crowd declared the absence of commodified private space a violation of basic human rights.

“Everyone should have the right to be exposed to adverts at home regardless of their socioeconomic status,” said a starving barefoot student. “Not everyone can afford a telly and a smart phone with internet. People without access to these delivery systems for advertising have less chance of maxing out their credit cards and getting up to their eyeballs in debt. That’s discrimination. We need a new non-exclusionary system.”

In Tokyo, protests turned violent after footage went viral of North Koreans enjoying government radio at home courtesy of their compulsory fixed-line speakers.

“It’s ridiculous,” said a woman dressed as the magic rabbit from Pokémon Go. “The North Koreans are still living in the 1950s, yet every home is fitted with a crackly old state controlled speaker that pumps out government messages all day long and can’t be turned off. If they can do it via such a primitive system then why can’t we? It’s shameful.”

The epicentre of the protest was in New York City where protesters on Madison Avenue were outraged over the advertising industry’s inability to transform the private sphere into a facsimile of Times Square.

“It’s obscene,” said a naked man who’d written “This is how I feel without ads” above his genitals. “They can put a man on the moon but they can’t turn my living room into a giant neon billboard? People get lonely and depressed when they’re not wrapped in the comforting glow of advertisements. The lack of ads inside our homes shows that the authorities don’t give a damn about our psychological and emotional wellbeing.”

Other protestors confirmed that a paucity of ads at home was affecting their mental health.

“I wear clothes emblazoned with corporate logos and my walls are covered in posters advertising everything from sodas to new cars, but it’s not enough,” said one guy. “In summer, the Blu-Tack softens in the heat and the posters peel off. There’s nothing worse than coming home to an apartment with blank walls that force me to be alone with my thoughts for a few minutes while I put the posters back up. Without ads to occupy my mind, I start thinking about things that aren’t even about products or services at all, like mortality and the size of the universe. It’s terrifying.”

Advertising executive Saul Less was also at the NYC protest and agreed that the current situation was intolerable.

“Despite the ubiquity of television and new methods of advertising such as personalised emails and targeted ads via gaming consoles, private homes are still largely ad-free zones,” he said. “It’s a travesty.”

He did however offer a ray of hope.

“At some point technology will become advanced enough to enable a new form of housing where consumers forgo mortgages and rent in exchange for fully digitised smart kennels that display full-spectrum floor to ceiling ads 24/7,” he said.

“Ultimately, ads will cover every square inch of the planet and the very concept of ad-free space will be eliminated altogether. But first we’ll need to work out a way to pass the cost onto the consumer.”